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Why I Take a Systemic Approach
What is wrong with me/them?
When we are struggling, it is easy to focus on what is wrong with me or what is wrong with them.
I like to zoom out.
Nature or Nurture?
We are shaped by our relationships, our families, our environments, and the patterns we develop with the people around us. So rather than looking only at an individual, I want to understand the bigger picture: What is happening? What keeps it going? And where might we have room to do something differently?
This can be especially helpful with couples and families. Often, people get stuck in patterns where each person's response makes sense on its own, but the interaction as a whole keeps creating the same outcome.For example, one person feels unheard and pushes harder. The other feels criticized and pulls away. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. Pretty soon, both are focused on the other person's behavior—and neither can see the pattern they're caught in.
How to stop blaming
Blaming others is often a natural reaction to challenging situations, but it can impede personal growth and harm relationships. Here are some ways to help you move forward after blaming: zoom out and consider various perspectives. Here are some key elements:
Understand Context: Recognizing the circumstances that lead to behaviors can shift your focus from blame to understanding.
Implied Messages: Often, blame carries underlying messages about fear, frustration, or helplessness. Acknowledging these can help you build mutual goals and cooperation.
Tweaking Tone: Adjusting your tone when discussing issues can alter the perception of blame. A more constructive tone can foster collaboration rather than defensiveness.
By considering these perspectives, you can cultivate a more nuanced understanding of blame and its implications in your life and interactions with others.
Seeing the pattern doesn't mean avoiding responsibility. It gives us more places to intervene.
I also don't believe there is one explanation or one model that fits everyone. Your experiences and the way you understand your world are important. My job is to bring curiosity, perspective, and tools that help us make sense of what is happening and figure out what might actually work for you.
Sometimes that means looking at the past. Sometimes it means changing something in the present. Often, it means experimenting with a new response and seeing what happens.
How do I build resiliency in my relationships
The goal isn't to do relationships perfectly. It's to become more aware of our patterns, more flexible in how we respond, and better able to create the relationships and life we want.
If You Want to Read More
A few books that have shaped the way I think about therapy, relationships, and change:
Change — Paul Watzlawick, John Weakland & Richard Fisch
Pragmatics of Human Communication — Paul Watzlawick, Janet Beavin Bavelas & Don Jackson
Brief Therapy with Intimidating Cases — Richard Fisch & Karin Schlanger
Uncommon Therapy — Jay Haley
Divorce Busting — Michele Weiner-Davis
After the Fight — Thomas J. Bradbury & Benjamin R. Karney
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk — Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
The Invented Reality — Paul Watzlawick
Man's Search for Meaning — Viktor Frankl
Biting the Hand that Starves You — Richard Maisel, David Epston & Ali Borden
Common factors
Therapist mindset
Creative solutions
These books come from different traditions, but they share something I value: a belief that people make more sense when we look at them in context—and that change becomes possible when we find a different way of responding.
