why I take a systemic approach

When we are struggling, it is easy to focus on what is wrong with me or what is wrong with them.

I like to zoom out.

We are shaped by our relationships, our families, our environments, and the patterns we develop with the people around us. So rather than looking only at an individual, I want to understand the bigger picture: What is happening? What keeps it going? And where might we have room to do something differently?

This can be especially helpful with couples and families. Often, people get stuck in patterns where each person's response makes sense on its own, but the interaction as a whole keeps creating the same outcome.

For example, one person feels unheard and pushes harder. The other feels criticized and pulls away. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. Pretty soon, both are focused on the other person's behavior—and neither can see the pattern they're caught in.

Seeing the pattern doesn't mean avoiding responsibility. It gives us more places to intervene.

I also don't believe there is one explanation or one model that fits everyone. Your experiences and the way you understand your world are important. My job is to bring curiosity, perspective, and tools that help us make sense of what is happening and figure out what might actually work for you.

Sometimes that means looking at the past. Sometimes it means changing something in the present. Often, it means experimenting with a new response and seeing what happens.

The goal isn't to do relationships perfectly. It's to become more aware of our patterns, more flexible in how we respond, and better able to create the relationships and life we want.

If You Want to Read More

A few books that have shaped the way I think about therapy, relationships, and change:

 

• Change — Paul Watzlawick, John Weakland & Richard Fisch

• Pragmatics of Human Communication — Paul Watzlawick, Janet Beavin Bavelas & Don Jackson

• Brief Therapy with Intimidating Cases — Richard Fisch & Karin Schlanger

• Uncommon Therapy — Jay Haley

• Divorce Busting — Michele Weiner-Davis

• After the Fight — Thomas J. Bradbury & Benjamin R. Karney

• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk — Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

• The Invented Reality — Paul Watzlawick

• Man's Search for Meaning — Viktor Frankl

• Biting the Hand that Starves You — Richard Maisel, David Epston & Ali Borden

These books come from different traditions, but they share something I value: a belief that people make more sense when we look at them in context—and that change becomes possible when we find a different way of responding.